Trophy Wife

Dating Tips Friday: Your Current Genitalia's Not Good Enough.

posted by Zabs on Monday February 4, 2008

Filed under: Dating Tips, Legend of The Ancient Mariner

Whew! I know it’s not Friday but I dated so hard this weekend that I collapsed from exhaustion and ended up having to be rushed to the hospital, where upon awakening I dated my doctor, as well as some nurses and orderlies. I do love a uniform. Or scrubs. Or just whatever.

But I’m back home again and I’m ready to tell you an essential dating tip you may or may not already know:

Your genitalia’s not good enough.

I don’t care who you are, if you are still saddled with the “natural” (I shudder at that word; it implies that mother nature hates us) genitalia with which you are born, you need to change it up! And quick! Like, yesterday!

Men, have you been paying close attention to your spam folder? Good. Everyone should. So you know that whichever poor sap you’re seeing is most likely spending a lot of time huddling in the ladies’ with other dissatisfied girls and talking about how your “rod” can’t “satisfy” her and you need to grow a “monster” to make her “scream.”

That’s what happens in the ladies’ room when we’re not having slow motion pillow fights and making out with each other. We talk about how your love pistol is not cutting it. Then we paste smiles on our faces, emerge and continue to eat jalapeno poppers with you as though nothing was wrong. It’s just how we do. But did you know that we give you subtle hints? Here’s a key to girl-speak.

“How was your day?” = Please enlarge your wiener before I freak out.
“Where do you want to eat?” = Your balls are too droopy/large/small/hairy/bald. Please fix it.
“Let’s move in together.” = If I have to look at your monstrous retardo-crotch one more time I’m changing my name, buying a van, and moving across the country.

“My husband’s wang looks like Ed McMahon… a TINY Ed McMahon.” “Yours too?!”

But listen! It’s not just guys. Women, you need to take notice. Because – we all already knew that our boobs were too large or small and need to be enhanced somehow, either by a miracle bra or surgically (preferably both) and that our pubic hair needs to be shaped into SOMETHING or removed completely. Come on, we’re not yetis, we don’t live in the forest. Body hair is NATURE’S MISTAKE. Rip that shit out! Slowly, because you deserve to be punished for growing it.

Fun fact: did you know that your vagina is 100% sure to be too loose or saggy or big or small or uneven? Or your hymen’s missing (and men can’t get enough hymen)? Your vagina is JUST WRONG and the sooner you know that and get it fixed, the sooner you can successfully date!

“So I told her to tighten it up or I was out of there… FORE!”

I’m going to give you a link. And with every fiber of my being I want to yell, “DON’T CLICK ON IT” and run over to rip the mouse out of your hand and give you a sound smack, like you were a baby about to touch a hot stove. But just like a savvy mother who gently places her baby on the hot stove, I know you need to learn a lesson.

Educational photos that will help you make an informed decision!

And if you still don’t believe me, OR you just don’t feel like being scarred, go read THIS image-free article which basically explains why vaginas are currently all wrong.

That’s it for this week! Now get yourself fixed and get back out there!

Shipwreck Anniversary

posted by Johnny A on Thursday November 9, 2006

Filed under: Legend of The Ancient Mariner, Tips From The Safety Squad

Today is the anniversary of the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. The freighter S.S. Edmund Fitzgerald sank during a storm on Lake Superior on November 10, 1975. It was shipping taconite ore from Superior, Wisconsin to a steel mill in Michigan. It was the last run of the season for the ship before it moored in Cleveland for the winter. But then an unexpected storm hit, forcing the ship to change course. The ship lost its radar and began taking on water. It sank off the coast of Sault Sainte Marie, Ontario, killing all 29 men on board.

Shortly after the sinking, Canadian singer-songwriter Gordon Lightfoot wrote his famous song the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. The song maintains a tragic, mythic tone while giving an account of the event that’s accurate and rich in detail (e.g., it reports the ship’s cargo capacity: “with a load of iron ore / 26,000 tons more / than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty�). It is a central shipwreck song, right up there with Woody Guthrie’s The Sinking of the Reuben James and the theme song to Gilligan’s Island.

Observe a moment of silence for the victims today. Then spend the night with a bottle of Canadian whisky, a copy of Gord’s Gold (Lightfoot’s Best Of cd), and people you love.

greetings, searchers

posted by Zabs on Thursday September 14, 2006

Filed under: The Internets, Legend of The Ancient Mariner

I’m a big fan of checking out the logs for this site to find out how people get here. Because, you know, I’m naturally curious and also totally nosy.

I’d like to extend a warm official Trophy Wife greeting to the people who arrived (and, I hope, will keep arriving) at this website searching for the following terms:

I should also point out that there is a comparatively HUGE number of hits from searches for “Alabama Black Hole.”

I think Tim Jennings owes each and every one of us a detailed explanation of the Alabama Black Hole and maybe also the Reverse Moon Landing.

here are some other search terms that i hope will bring people to this site:

In other news, the correct definition of the Ancient Mariner is up on urbandictionary.com now. Check it out. Add your own.

Scandal! Zabeth in Cahoots with Urbandictioary.com

posted by Tim on Monday September 4, 2006

Filed under: Legend of The Ancient Mariner, Ranting

If you’ve been following the plight of the Ancient Mariner over the course of the last week or so, you know that, up to this point, several attempts to post this sexual practice on Urbandictionary.com have been unsuccessful. Until today. Trophy Wife Zabeth was able to get a definition through and on the site. Good news right? Wrong. It’s the wrong definition. What Zabeth has actually posted is Kevin’s definition of a “Houdini”. A definition which gave birth to the Ancient mariner. You see, a key manuver has been reversed in the two, namely, when the clam chowder is thrown. In the case of the “McShane Houdini” the chowder comes first, followed by a surprise nut to the brow. The Mariner, however, places the chowder as the surprise. This replacing of the usual money shot with a hearty seafood soup is what makes the Mariner the Mariner.

I find it hard to believe that Zabeth would make this mistake, although according to the site, she posted it.

Ancient Mariner Fake Out

Is someone posing as Zabeth?

Could this be the ellusive “Sid” at work…not in a good way.

Or maybe they’re both in cahoots with the Urbandictionary.com.

Regardless, the definition has now entered the cultural lexicon…the wrong definition.

A blow to "Operation Mariner"

posted by Tim on Sunday September 3, 2006

Filed under: Legend of The Ancient Mariner, Ranting

Following the lead of our mysterious poster “Sid” I too attempted to post a defenition for “The Ancient Mariner” on UrbanDICKtionary.com.

Everything seemed to be going OK. My definition was well thought out and phrased. (I mean, c’mon. It’s hard to be elloquent when talking about blowing nut all over someone’s back and then hitting them up with the New England chunky). Long story short, I just got a reply back saying that my definition was canceled before even reaching the editors for approval. WTF! This is the website that has 16 definitions for a “Houdini” “Donkey Punch” and “Jizz”. Are you too good for the Ancient Mariner, UrbanDictionary.com? Are you too good for astronaut and American hero John Glenn? I guess so.

It’s time to mobilize. Go to UrbanDICKtionary.com.
and post your definition of The Ancient Mariner. Let’s show these bastards that we mean business…and then throw a bowl of clam chowder right in their stupid faces.

the ancient mariner is a big, big star

posted by Zabs on Thursday August 31, 2006

Filed under: Reasons Why We're Awesome, Legend of The Ancient Mariner

Go here:

G4 X-Play Videos

Scroll down to “Sword of the Stars.”

Watch it.

Doesn’t John Glenn sound familiar to you?

Anyway, he seems to know a lot about the Ancient Mariner and I sure would like to know what the Alabama Black Hole is.

Theories are welcome.

Also, I got this mysterious email from “Sid” in response to the Ancient Mariner blog entry:

Why, yes, Zabby, baby, I DID post your definition for
the “Ancient Mariner” on Urban Dictionary.com!

Dear Sid,

The Ancient Mariner, like revenge, is a dish best served cold. Ice cold.

With love,

Zabby baby.