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Trophy Wife : Improv Comedy from Los Angeles

Trophy Wife

Improv Comedy from Los Angeles

Trophy Wife is a long-form improv comedy group that performs "The Harold," the signature improvised piece of the iOWest. Based on a single audience suggestion, Trophy Wife weaves a series of completely improvised scenes, stories, and games into a single hilarious piece. Each show is broadcast worldwide via the group's popular podcast.
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True Beauty with Ronda Lee

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You guys… I found this very helpful video on the interwebs regarding a romantic first date look. Which is something that, as Trophy Wives, we can all appreciate since I’m sure we remember fondly the day we first put on our finest duds and hornswoggled the other Wives into loving us, for however long it took to get a ring on that finger.

Audish Talk: The Good, the Bad, and the Totally Fat

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So today I went on an audition for a well-known product we’ll call “Popular Diet Shake That Is In Fact Probably the Only Diet Shake You Know About.”

The audition consisted of me walking in, making it clear through body language and facial expression that I am LOVINLIFE, then remembering the delicious Diet Shake in my purse. I stop on the busy street*, yank out Diet Shake, shake it in a whimsical way (see above re: lovin’ life) then slam it down. I’m so satisfied, y’all. Then! Oh no! From out of nowhere comes a shitload of evil donuts! They’re flying… they’re attacking me! I kick! I punch. I high kick again! I’m gonna fucking pound you to a pile of sugar, donuts!

Suddenly – my badass kicks have worked. The donuts have been defeated! With a satisfied look (satisfaction is key) I brush off my hands, tighten my belt (literally, they had a belt for me to wear) and walk off, loving life again, NOT AT ALL FAZED BY THE FACT THAT SOME DONUTS ATTACKED ME. In real life I’d think, “Well, Kirk Cameron was right all along, it IS the end times,” and probably wander along the streets bloodied and dazed while cars ran into each other, babies screamed, sirens blared and dogs barked under the sudden donut assault. There’d be fires. Sobbing. Gunshots. Maybe I’d take part in some looting but I doubt it.

What I’m saying is, if drinking Diet Shake causes Flying Donut Attacks then I want no part of it. I will not drink Diet Shake. No sir.**

*the busy street was in my mind’s eye. In actuality I was in an audition room with a surly bearded dude! Imagination is MAGICAL.

**also, if i actually drank Diet Shake I might lose weight and never get called in for the fat-girl auditions for Diet Shake.

what life should look like, if you are “loving it” properly. If this isn’t you then you’re doing something wrong. Fix it.

Dating Tips Friday: Your Current Genitalia's Not Good Enough.

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Whew! I know it’s not Friday but I dated so hard this weekend that I collapsed from exhaustion and ended up having to be rushed to the hospital, where upon awakening I dated my doctor, as well as some nurses and orderlies. I do love a uniform. Or scrubs. Or just whatever.

But I’m back home again and I’m ready to tell you an essential dating tip you may or may not already know:

Your genitalia’s not good enough.

I don’t care who you are, if you are still saddled with the “natural” (I shudder at that word; it implies that mother nature hates us) genitalia with which you are born, you need to change it up! And quick! Like, yesterday!

Men, have you been paying close attention to your spam folder? Good. Everyone should. So you know that whichever poor sap you’re seeing is most likely spending a lot of time huddling in the ladies’ with other dissatisfied girls and talking about how your “rod” can’t “satisfy” her and you need to grow a “monster” to make her “scream.”

That’s what happens in the ladies’ room when we’re not having slow motion pillow fights and making out with each other. We talk about how your love pistol is not cutting it. Then we paste smiles on our faces, emerge and continue to eat jalapeno poppers with you as though nothing was wrong. It’s just how we do. But did you know that we give you subtle hints? Here’s a key to girl-speak.

“How was your day?” = Please enlarge your wiener before I freak out.
“Where do you want to eat?” = Your balls are too droopy/large/small/hairy/bald. Please fix it.
“Let’s move in together.” = If I have to look at your monstrous retardo-crotch one more time I’m changing my name, buying a van, and moving across the country.

“My husband’s wang looks like Ed McMahon… a TINY Ed McMahon.” “Yours too?!”

But listen! It’s not just guys. Women, you need to take notice. Because – we all already knew that our boobs were too large or small and need to be enhanced somehow, either by a miracle bra or surgically (preferably both) and that our pubic hair needs to be shaped into SOMETHING or removed completely. Come on, we’re not yetis, we don’t live in the forest. Body hair is NATURE’S MISTAKE. Rip that shit out! Slowly, because you deserve to be punished for growing it.

Fun fact: did you know that your vagina is 100% sure to be too loose or saggy or big or small or uneven? Or your hymen’s missing (and men can’t get enough hymen)? Your vagina is JUST WRONG and the sooner you know that and get it fixed, the sooner you can successfully date!

“So I told her to tighten it up or I was out of there… FORE!”

I’m going to give you a link. And with every fiber of my being I want to yell, “DON’T CLICK ON IT” and run over to rip the mouse out of your hand and give you a sound smack, like you were a baby about to touch a hot stove. But just like a savvy mother who gently places her baby on the hot stove, I know you need to learn a lesson.

Educational photos that will help you make an informed decision!

And if you still don’t believe me, OR you just don’t feel like being scarred, go read THIS image-free article which basically explains why vaginas are currently all wrong.

That’s it for this week! Now get yourself fixed and get back out there!

Dating Tips Friday: Lower Your Standards

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Sup, dudes and lady-dudes.

One thing you might not know about me, Zabeth Russell, is that I am pretty great at dating. You know how some people are good at Scrabble? And those people who are good at Scrabble might get a bunch of Triple Word Scores? Well, I’ve gotten Triple Date Scores. That means I’ve scored three times in one date – sometimes not even with the same guy. And it’s not unheard of for me to get a Bingo, in which I score 7 times with whomever’s around, and then I yell something like, “Boo-ya,” or “In ya FACE.”

THAT’S a good date.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who are confused by the intricacies of dating. Don’t worry. I’m here to help!

The tip I’d like to share this week:

Lower your standards.

“Wah, I can’t get a date,” you might say, if you are in fact one of those people who can’t get a date. To which I respond sassily, “what’s your problem, snob?” Then I give you a friendly noogie. That’s why guys like me.

There are SO many people around to date. You could date any one of them! Take, for example, the ladies at the helpful website Conjugal Harmony. Conjugal Harmony features “a database of more than 4,000 life-sentenced inmates who are looking to meet and marry that special someone.” 4,000! That’s a lot! And are YOU “special?” As well as being “someone?” I bet you are.

“Lassie” likes “reading and not getting beat up.” Don’t YOU like those things? See, you already have something in common.

If she’s not your cup of tea, how about Scrappy4Life? “Premedicated murder” on the “kids she used to wash.” Wait, what? Okay, you guys are going to have a LOT to talk about over coffee, or hooch if she’s got any left. And check this out. She’s “good with kids except that one time,” so if you like family, you’re in luck.

Finally, if you’re in the mood for something a little more low maintenance we’ve got Chesty Heavens. She’s in for life, and ready to make you wish you could see her “more than 90 minutes every 6 weeks”. Sounds perfect!

I guess what I’m saying is, there’s someone for everyone. Now get out there!

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Week of 11.21.10

Mike Coen Zabeth Russell
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