Can I be frank with you? It’s pretty tough being on a Harold team that oozes so much sexiness. Really tough. Sometimes, during a sweaty rehearsal, it’s all we can do to keep from jumping on each other and making so many babies, the Duggars would say “Hey, slow down, you dirty freaks.”
But we can’t help it. We’re just all really bone-worthy. We are all such tasty morsels, in fact, that there’s only one Trophy Wife left who hasn’t been snapped up by the love-vultures of the outside world. And that Trophy Wife is Mr. Dave Park.
“How is this possible?” you ask? We’ve asked each other that question a million times, and we really don’t know. Just look at that guy! Don’t you just want to wrap yourself up in all that pillowy chest hair like a Snuggie and just never come out? Wouldn’t you like to sit with him and buy him beverage after beverage as he regales you with tales of his trips to the Orient? Wouldn’t you like to admire his smartly-tied and fashion-forward neckerchief close-up, instead of from afar?
Are you human? Then course you would. And that’s why we’re GIVING HIM TO YOU. Yes, you read that right. If you’ve been jonesing for a walk in the Park, you’d better get your sweet tush to the Trophy Wife show on February 15, because one lucky audience member will WIN A DATE WITH DAVE.
Oh, we know. Right now you’re panting, pinching your cheeks to get a natural-looking flush, desperately applying Spanx to your body and screaming, “WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?” at your computer screen. That’s natural, if you have eyes and your reproductive organs are still cranking. Well, calm down. All you have to do is attend the Trophy Wife show on February 15 at 9:30 pm on the IOWest Mainstage, and get ready to give a suggestion to inspire our show. Three lucky ladies will be chosen. And then Cupid will work his magic, sending one damsel straight into the arms of Dave.
The show is still a week away, so you have time to do the Master Cleanse and lose those last pesky five pounds before you shimmy into your party dress and straight into a date with Dave Park. Not that you’d need to change yourself in any way. Dave’s not shallow. He already thinks you’re perfect.
Win a Date With Dave
presented by Trophy Wife
Wednesday, Feb. 15th @ 9:30pm
iOWest – 6366 Hollywood Blvd.
Tickets $5 – Order Online
Facebook brought us a very special gift today. A friend of a friend posted a little photographic gem from her trip to Greece. We don’t even know her. She just thought it was funny that a gyros place would advertise with a poster that reads “Trophy Wife” on it. We, however, think it’s deadly serious, in the AWESOMEST of ways!
Yes, it’s real. That’s right, suckas. My mug is selling slow-roasted lamb in Greece to unsuspecting tourists. Just like I always told my mom it would. Well, who’s laughing now, “Mom?”
You guys… I found this very helpful video on the interwebs regarding a romantic first date look. Which is something that, as Trophy Wives, we can all appreciate since I’m sure we remember fondly the day we first put on our finest duds and hornswoggled the other Wives into loving us, for however long it took to get a ring on that finger.
Hey friends. Here's a little something I did with the handsome and magnanimous Dave Holmes. It's a snippet of improvised movie. Think of it as kind of like a very short Waiting for Guffman, only about a swingin' sex party and SUPER dirty. Audio's not safe for work and if you're at home around someone cute and innocent, cover their ears.
The official website is here: Swinging with the Shermans
It’s that time….Trophy Wife’s fourth anniversary.
We’re just gonna put something out there – the fourth anniversary sucks. Don’t get us wrong. Four blissful years of marriage, and we’ve rocked each anniversary in true Trophy Wife style till now.
The traditional first anniversary gift is paper, and on that anniversary we all made a thousand paper cranes, then stood naked in the surf and floated them away while singing each other traditional Japanese paper crane songs. Then we all boned like we’d just met in a bar. Great. Super romantic. We’re awesome.
Second anniversary. Cotton. We hand stitched organic cotton tighty whities for each other and then modeled them for some really arty black and white photographs. Then we boned.
Third anniversary. Leather. We don’t even have to say it, do we? In a nutshell: we put leather everywhere, we wore leather. Then we boned. “Leather is the easiest anniversary,” said Grandma, and she was right.
The traditional gift for a fourth anniversary is Fruit or Flowers. Come on. Fruit or Flowers?
We racked our brains and maybe we’re just experiencing that soul-crushing ennui that sets in around the fourth year of any commitment, but we couldn’t think of a really rad way to bone to fruit and flowers.
Instead we decided to just do a Fourth Anniversary Show and hope that brings the spark back.
So will you come to it? All we need are your butts in the seats to bring the old magic back and make us feel like we’re still a crazy young improv team that just got thrown together.
Then we’ll all laugh and drink together and pretend that lifelong commitment is a good idea! Who’s IN
TROPHY WIFE FOURTH ANNIVERSARY SHOW
Wednesday, April 8th @ 9pm
6366 Hollywood Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90028
21+, valet parking, cheap drinks, big laughs
323.962.7560 or http://west.ioimprov.com for tickets/information
Sometimes I go from a big city (Los Angeles) to a small town (Mooresville, IN) over the holidays. This seems like it’d be relaxing, but sometimes I get stressed out from inactivity. This is because Mooresville is “quieter” than Los Angeles, and I’ve gotten used to loudness.*
So this year I’ve decided to keep myself amused by playing a new little game every day.
Today’s game was called Answer My Sister When She Is Talking to Her Cat As Though She’d Been Talking to Me.
Come on, fatness! Get off my mattress!
Oops, sorry about that.
No, I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to the cat.
(Please note that I was nowhere near the mattress – in fact, I was in a different room)
Come on, fatty, it’s time to eat your dinner.
Yay! What am I having?
No. I am talking to the cat.
If you decide to play this game, and I highly recommend it, nonchalance is key.
You know how sometimes, to spice up a marriage, bored housewives will go and get a “Passion Portrait” taken, in which they pose “alluringly” on a leopard print throw in their least stretched-out underwear? And then they give it to their husband as a gift in the vain hope that it will lure him away from his internet porn addiction?
Well, we’ve done the same thing for you! Kind of.
Trophy Wife is starring in a brand spanking new 2009 calendar. The kind you can put on your wall! The kind you might leave open to the page of your favorite month until long after that month has ended and everyone around you feels really uncomfortable about it! YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN ITS EQUAL! Every Trophy Wife has been photographed, singly and in groups, in various stages of emotional and physical undress for your perusal and probable judgment.
By now we understand that you’re probably freaking out, and you’re all, WELL OKAY, HOW DO I GET MY HANDS ON THIS THING LIKE NOW. Calm down! We’ll tell you. It’s not even 2009 yet!
Please remember that these calendars make great gifts and everyone around you is sure to love you if you’re throwing these things around. It’s also helpful to have one in every room of the house just in case you forget what month it is and who you are. Okay, we can’t help you with the second part.
Check out the previews of each month:
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