Trophy Wife

why we will all be alone for the rest of our lives

Guys, take a knee.

I have sad news.

Britney is divorcing K-Fed.

I know this comes as a shock to you. It does to me, too. Because if there’s no love in what was clearly the modern-day equivalent of Camelot, then what hope do any of us have for finding real love? Sorry to be harsh, but totally fucking NONE, that’s what. No hope at all. If people as genetically perfect as these two can’t make it work, THEN WHO CAN? Answer me that.

If I was smart enough to Photoshop a picture of the two of them with a huge crack down the middle, I would. And that’s what my heart feels like. Cracked.

I blame the gays for ruining the sanctity of marriage. You just know that Britney and K-Fed looked around at the hotbeds of homosexual activity in this country (MASSACHUSETTS i am looking at YOU, all right!?) and were like, “screw this, if THEY’RE getting married, I hate you and I don’t want to try to make it work. Not even for our retarded children.”*

I’m giving up on love. I’m ditching Match.com, Lavalife.com, Nerve.com, and SeriouslyThisIsTheLastResort.com and tomorrow morning I’m going to Home Depot and picking up a day laborer to take care of my physical needs.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go drink whole milk out of the carton, buy some supplies off GoodVibrations.com, and hunker down for a life filled with romantic disappointments.

*in conclusion please vote no on Prop 181739872983714