Trophy Wife

a very sexy halloween

If you know me, you know I always get rill excited about Halloween. And I’m extra excited about this Halloween, because I am pretty sure it is going to be the SEXIEST Halloween ever.

Here are some SEXY costume ideas, and my ideas for making them even SEXIER. If you are underage, stop reading now, because these ideas are most likely too SEXY for you and your crotches will probably explode, which is embarrassing even though it’s SEXY.

Help me decide which one to be!

First: Sexy LAPD Officer. Look how sexy:

Being a cop is already sexy, right? I mean, what with the sexy donut eating and sexy bureaucratic red tape. BUT I figured, what I can do to make this LAPD costume even sexier is to bring along a sexy African-American man and sexily brutalize him for no good reason. Part of the costume, too, is that unbeknownst to me, a sexy passerby is sexily videotaping the whole shebang! Later, I will testify in a sexy court of law that he deserved it, even though he was sexily unarmed.

Uh-oh, Sexy Mining Time!

Mining is sexy because it’s so dangerous. To make this costume sexier, maybe I could get some sexy black lung from the sexily poor ventilation in the sexy mine shaft (that’s right, i said shaft; that’s sexy), so I can cough all over others in a sexy way. I could drag around a sexy oxygen tank. Maybe when I get to the Halloween party, i can orchestrate a sexy tunnel collapse. No one has time to check on the safety of working conditions when they are very, very busy being sexy (and maybe doing a little mining, but mostly they are being sexy).

Sexy Female Harry Potter:

I just threw this one in as a joke; there is no way to make underage bespectacled British schoolchildren any sexier than they already are. They have already maxed out my sex-o-meter, which goes from zero to sexy in some undetermined (but sexy) number of seconds.

Sexy Border Patrol:

I know what you’re worried about. They’re taking our jobs. Our sexy, sexy jobs. Well, guess what? NOT ON MY WATCH, SEX-ICANS! If there’s anyone who’s even a little bit brown at the party, I’m going to ask to see their papers, and then I’m going to sexily pretend to not be able to understand what they’re saying (CO-MO, Ho-SAY?), and then I’m going to send them straight back to Sexico where they came from! And rest assured that I’m erecting (yep, ERECTING) a SEXY-ASS FENCE so their SEXY BROWN ASSES CANNOT COME BACK!

Finally: Sexy Mental Patient.

There is nothing, I mean NOTHING sexier than going completely batshit crazy and having to be restrained because you might cause harm to yourself and/or others!!! That’s a given. But I figure what I can do to make this costume a little more sexy and tip it into the range of FLAMING HOT is to, first, throw myself through a window. Then I’ll sexily threaten other Halloween partygoers with a shard of the broken glass while laughing maniacally and speaking to the hostess of the party as if she were my unborn child. If I find any small metal parts to anything lying around, I will eat them. Later on I will smear my own feces all over the walls of the living room, in a very sexy way.

Thoughts?