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The Ancient Mariner : Trophy Wife

The Ancient Mariner

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So a few weeks ago, The Wife was having a conversation before a show about terms for ridiculously misogynistic, ridiculously named mythological sexual practices, like the Dirty Sanchez and the Donkey Punch.

Kevin mentioned one I hadn’t heard of before, which is the Houdini. We asked him to explain and it went something like this:

“So you’re doing this chick from behind. She doesn’t know it, but you’re holding a handful of clam chowder.1 Just as you’re about to come, you pull out. But instead of coming on her back, you fool her by throwing the handful of clam chowder on her back instead.2 Then when she turns around, you jizz on her face.”

Tim and I came up with one of our own. We decided to call it the Ancient Mariner. It goes like this:

“So you’re doing this chick from behind.3 When you’re about to come, pull out and jizz all over her back. Then, when she turns around to tell you what an awesome job you did, throw a bowl of clam chowder in her face.”

The Ancient Mariner actually got worked into the show that night.

The best part of this whole thing is that Tim’s a writer for a show called X-Play on the G4 network, which is all about video games. He just wrote a segment that involves the Ancient Mariner. If the idea of the Ancient Mariner catches on and videogamers start talking about it and mentioning it on message boards, I’m going to freak out with delight.


1Tell me that the idea of HOLDING A HANDFUL OF CLAM CHOWDER isn’t the best thing ever. That part alone made me laugh for about twelve minutes.

2We had to take a break to discuss whether or not the clam chowder wouldn’t be a little… alarmingly chunky? And then what if it was Manhattan clam chowder and the girl saw that it was red and ran screaming out of the room? I guess what I’m saying here is that the Houdini involves a lot of advanced planning. Not so with the Ancient Mariner. All you need is a can of Chunky and a bowl. If the girl notices it, maybe mention that you need to keep your strength up during your vigorous lovemaking.

3All of these work better if you start with that sentence. You should also say it in a voice and manner that implies that of course you were doing this chick from behind, you are ALWAYS doing “these chicks” from behind.

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