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Dating Tips Friday: Your Current Genitalia's Not Good Enough. : Trophy Wife

Dating Tips Friday: Your Current Genitalia's Not Good Enough.

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Whew! I know it’s not Friday but I dated so hard this weekend that I collapsed from exhaustion and ended up having to be rushed to the hospital, where upon awakening I dated my doctor, as well as some nurses and orderlies. I do love a uniform. Or scrubs. Or just whatever.

But I’m back home again and I’m ready to tell you an essential dating tip you may or may not already know:

Your genitalia’s not good enough.

I don’t care who you are, if you are still saddled with the “natural” (I shudder at that word; it implies that mother nature hates us) genitalia with which you are born, you need to change it up! And quick! Like, yesterday!

Men, have you been paying close attention to your spam folder? Good. Everyone should. So you know that whichever poor sap you’re seeing is most likely spending a lot of time huddling in the ladies’ with other dissatisfied girls and talking about how your “rod” can’t “satisfy” her and you need to grow a “monster” to make her “scream.”

That’s what happens in the ladies’ room when we’re not having slow motion pillow fights and making out with each other. We talk about how your love pistol is not cutting it. Then we paste smiles on our faces, emerge and continue to eat jalapeno poppers with you as though nothing was wrong. It’s just how we do. But did you know that we give you subtle hints? Here’s a key to girl-speak.

“How was your day?” = Please enlarge your wiener before I freak out.
“Where do you want to eat?” = Your balls are too droopy/large/small/hairy/bald. Please fix it.
“Let’s move in together.” = If I have to look at your monstrous retardo-crotch one more time I’m changing my name, buying a van, and moving across the country.

“My husband’s wang looks like Ed McMahon… a TINY Ed McMahon.” “Yours too?!”

But listen! It’s not just guys. Women, you need to take notice. Because – we all already knew that our boobs were too large or small and need to be enhanced somehow, either by a miracle bra or surgically (preferably both) and that our pubic hair needs to be shaped into SOMETHING or removed completely. Come on, we’re not yetis, we don’t live in the forest. Body hair is NATURE’S MISTAKE. Rip that shit out! Slowly, because you deserve to be punished for growing it.

Fun fact: did you know that your vagina is 100% sure to be too loose or saggy or big or small or uneven? Or your hymen’s missing (and men can’t get enough hymen)? Your vagina is JUST WRONG and the sooner you know that and get it fixed, the sooner you can successfully date!

“So I told her to tighten it up or I was out of there… FORE!”

I’m going to give you a link. And with every fiber of my being I want to yell, “DON’T CLICK ON IT” and run over to rip the mouse out of your hand and give you a sound smack, like you were a baby about to touch a hot stove. But just like a savvy mother who gently places her baby on the hot stove, I know you need to learn a lesson.

Educational photos that will help you make an informed decision!

And if you still don’t believe me, OR you just don’t feel like being scarred, go read THIS image-free article which basically explains why vaginas are currently all wrong.

That’s it for this week! Now get yourself fixed and get back out there!

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