Sup, dudes and lady-dudes.
One thing you might not know about me, Zabeth Russell, is that I am pretty great at dating. You know how some people are good at Scrabble? And those people who are good at Scrabble might get a bunch of Triple Word Scores? Well, I’ve gotten Triple Date Scores. That means I’ve scored three times in one date – sometimes not even with the same guy. And it’s not unheard of for me to get a Bingo, in which I score 7 times with whomever’s around, and then I yell something like, “Boo-ya,” or “In ya FACE.”
THAT’S a good date.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who are confused by the intricacies of dating. Don’t worry. I’m here to help!
The tip I’d like to share this week:
Lower your standards.
“Wah, I can’t get a date,” you might say, if you are in fact one of those people who can’t get a date. To which I respond sassily, “what’s your problem, snob?” Then I give you a friendly noogie. That’s why guys like me.
There are SO many people around to date. You could date any one of them! Take, for example, the ladies at the helpful website Conjugal Harmony. Conjugal Harmony features “a database of more than 4,000 life-sentenced inmates who are looking to meet and marry that special someone.” 4,000! That’s a lot! And are YOU “special?” As well as being “someone?” I bet you are.
“Lassie” likes “reading and not getting beat up.” Don’t YOU like those things? See, you already have something in common.
If she’s not your cup of tea, how about Scrappy4Life? “Premedicated murder” on the “kids she used to wash.” Wait, what? Okay, you guys are going to have a LOT to talk about over coffee, or hooch if she’s got any left. And check this out. She’s “good with kids except that one time,” so if you like family, you’re in luck.
Finally, if you’re in the mood for something a little more low maintenance we’ve got Chesty Heavens. She’s in for life, and ready to make you wish you could see her “more than 90 minutes every 6 weeks”. Sounds perfect!
I guess what I’m saying is, there’s someone for everyone. Now get out there!
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