Trophy Wife

Audish Talk: The Good, the Bad, and the Totally Fat

So today I went on an audition for a well-known product we’ll call “Popular Diet Shake That Is In Fact Probably the Only Diet Shake You Know About.”

The audition consisted of me walking in, making it clear through body language and facial expression that I am LOVIN’ LIFE, then remembering the delicious Diet Shake in my purse. I stop on the busy street*, yank out Diet Shake, shake it in a whimsical way (see above re: lovin’ life) then slam it down. I’m so satisfied, y’all. Then! Oh no! From out of nowhere comes a shitload of evil donuts! They’re flying… they’re attacking me! I kick! I punch. I high kick again! I’m gonna fucking pound you to a pile of sugar, donuts!

Suddenly – my badass kicks have worked. The donuts have been defeated! With a satisfied look (satisfaction is key) I brush off my hands, tighten my belt (literally, they had a belt for me to wear) and walk off, loving life again, NOT AT ALL FAZED BY THE FACT THAT SOME DONUTS ATTACKED ME. In real life I’d think, “Well, Kirk Cameron was right all along, it IS the end times,” and probably wander along the streets bloodied and dazed while cars ran into each other, babies screamed, sirens blared and dogs barked under the sudden donut assault. There’d be fires. Sobbing. Gunshots. Maybe I’d take part in some looting but I doubt it.

What I’m saying is, if drinking Diet Shake causes Flying Donut Attacks then I want no part of it. I will not drink Diet Shake. No sir.**

*the busy street was in my mind’s eye. In actuality I was in an audition room with a surly bearded dude! Imagination is MAGICAL.

**also, if i actually drank Diet Shake I might lose weight and never get called in for the fat-girl auditions for Diet Shake.

what life should look like, if you are “loving it” properly. If this isn’t you then you’re doing something wrong. Fix it.